I seem to love holding onto bitter resentment. I hate that I do. I guess it stems from never really ever having any closure from disputes that sort of pop up from seemingly nothing, and never really knowing why the thing that pissed me off happened.
Sometimes you'll never find out why bad things happen. Sometimes you'll never figure out why someone you loved or someone you thought was a friend takes you down a peg or three. But that's no reason to stop living and stop doing what makes you happy. I need to learn to accept that.
However... It does help a lot when someone apologizes.
I haven't put pencil to paper. I haven't even attempted to put any heart into anything that I do attempt to produce. If I am brutally honest, I'm not good enough to do so. It's been rubbed into my face many times, the opinions of hateful people who have nothing else better to do, and I've done my best to turn the other cheek and get on with my life. Some people aren't worth the anguish, y'know?
But there's one person who managed to sink their disgusting teeth into me. One person who I can't seem to avoid, forget, nor forgive. Every time I have some kind of memory, or completely random online encounter with her work, I fall into this trap of pure hatred for both of us; how someone could be so heartless, so bigoted, and allow themselves to become this huge ugly hypocrite, and how I despise myself for continuing to let something that happened almost 5 years ago haunt me to this day, and no doubt for the rest of my life.
I'm talking about Laura.
They say, in anything regarding creative works, be it design or art, the best thing to do is to "Fail Faster". If you have an idea, go with it. If it's not good enough, then you learn from it. That's how you get better. When I started my journal comic, it was a fun little time passer where I got to draw stuff about whatever I liked, be it well done or poorly rushed. I enjoyed it. I met Laura while studying at University, and by "met" I mean she yelled something like "OMG YOU'RE ON DEVIANTART?" while I was checking my messages here during a quiet moment in a lesson. I later found her gallery and became enamored by her work. And, after an awkward start, we had this sort of acquaintanceship going. I eventually fell into the same friend group as her, some of which are still in contact with me to this day. Laura, if I am honest, was very difficult to talk to. She was a very negative person, always had some snarky comment to make, but in my naïvety, I ignored them and simply saw them as her quirks. I was just that impressed and in awe of the idea of "Wandamagick", this online persona of a fun-loving cutesy girl, that I couldn't see just how much of a sad, hateful person that she was.
I did eventually show her my comic, and at first, her criticism was constructive and very helpful. I did learn a lot from her, but as most students do, I continued to draw my work the way I liked. Not to say I didn't completely ignore her, I certainly like to believe that I took on board what she suggested, but if I'm to truly develop, I should follow what I like to draw. And if I like to draw quickly and scruffily, then that's fine. If I draw something about something I really shouldn't talk about, then that's fine too. Mistakes are to be made, that's how you improve. Another bright idea of mine was to advertise my comic on Facebook. Make a fanpage for people to go to, comment on my work, and get a broader sense of what I should concentrate on should I need more improvement (who doesn't?). I sent invites to people who I thought would support me. Laura didn't like this. So, as any sensible friend who wants nothing but the utmost in quality to come out of the people she helps, she wrote a lovely little comedic review on Bad Webcomic Wiki, which I later discover that she's an admin of.
Known as "Lesbot" on the site, turns out she's quite the celebrity. She's written reviews on Ctrl-Alt-Del, VGCats, Least I Could Do, a lot of the big hitters. So, why on earth would she want to write about a little comic on Smackjeeves, that nobody even knows about? Because I decided to make a fan page and invite her boyfriend to join it. This was seen as a sign of arrogance on my part, so she got a friend to help her write the review. It was all agreed that I was to be added to the hall of fame that is The Bad Webcomic Wiki, because I'm terrible at drawing, my topics were dull and pointless, and I had no grasp of reality. Not only did they attack my comic, they attacked me personally, as well as some of the kindhearted people who sent in guest comics for me to upload... One of which, was Laura herself. So why she decided to attack her own work is beyond me, but alas here we are. It's not the first time I've been trolled on the internet, or had someone insult me online. That kind of thing just happens. What you don't expect is that stuff to be thrown at you from someone you know who lives down the street, someone you looked up to. That hurt. Big time.
Since then, whenever I visited my friends, or whenever my friends talked about me visiting or anything like that, she always had some kind of cruel thing to say about me. I've never had anything bad to say about her, not once during the time I knew her did I even contemplate the very thought. But she felt the need to belittle me constantly, behind my back or to my face. I didn't (still don't) understand exactly why she did it, and to this day, I still reel over it. I've not been able to draw stuff I like. I've not been able to follow projects through. When I'm asked to draw something for someone, I crack under pressure. Before the review, I probably could have gone through with this stuff, with some kind of false sense of confidence. Nowadays, I just know I'm terrible. And I know it's not healthy, because it's stopped me from being who I was.
The funniest thing about her these days though is that I've discovered that, through random stumbling through Tumblr, among her latest interests is My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, she is a Pegasister. And on top of that, she's still a very popular artist. No doubt, many bronies are fanboying over her works as we speak. Perfectly fine by me, she's a great artist and deserves the praise. What gets me the most is that this cruel, heartless woman, enjoys a show that teaches kids (and grown-ups, I know I've learned a thing or two) about friendship and how people can co-exist peacefully and friendly to each other. Never, in all the years I've tried to get over this stupid problem of mine, did I expect the sarcastic, foul-mouthed Laura to enjoy the antics of Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. I often wonder if she's learned anything from the show, and contemplated what she's done in the past to countless anonymous faces on the internet over their comics. And, sometimes, egotistically, I wonder if she still thinks of me, and how she's potentially ruined comics, drawing, and any kind of art for me for the rest of my life. If I were to describe her in a way bronies would understand, she's the Diamond Tiara of the internet. Keeping up appearances, but a stone cold bitch on the inside.
I suppose the thing that pisses me of the most about this whole thing is not the cruelty of an idol to her fan, not the treacherous behavior of a friend, not even the hilarious hypocrisy of not just the guest comic, but the whole idea of her being a brony... The thing that gets me the most is my inability to move on from what is essentially a playground fight. It's childish. It's stupid. It's pathetic.
But I'm still mad. Congratulations to Laura, the best troll on the internet.
Thanks girl, you're awesome.
EDIT: Hey guys, just a little heads up. I've uploaded some old works that never made it to this gallery. Head on over to Draw O'clock and leave some feedback! Its much appreciated.
Okay. I'm needing to let go of some steam. But the moral of the story for me is "karma is a bitch".
Life is an interesting series of twists and turns, and everyone's life takes a different path. Occasionally, these paths cross, and you'll make friends, acquaintances, and even enemies. Along these crossed wires, bonds are strengthened, and some are weakened. People get offended, and others are cheered on. People make progress, and people make mistakes.
No matter what path you take, however, you can guarantee that all of these things will happen. You will befriend, anger, offend, entertain, weaken, and strengthen people. The thing is, you need to be prepared for the bad stuff to happen to you, no matter how often it will seem to come... But even with all the preparation, there are some things that will knock you down for six.
Recently, I've lost some good friends over something that I find very painful. What they did destroyed my trust, and offended me to my very core. I've tried by best to forgive, and tolerate their decision. But ultimately, what hurt me the most about their choice is that they did not and do not care about my emotions or opinions on the matter whatsoever. And, while I am grasping for any scrap of moral decency within me, all I'm coming up with is hatred.
When you put a ring on a woman's finger, you don't do it for a laugh. You'll never truly let go of that person when things go sour. A part of you will always cherish and love her, regardless of everything she's ignorantly, and somehow innocently, done to hurt you.
An old high-school friend of mine, whom of which was the last of a small handful of friends that remained from that era, a friend who I trusted, helped, and cared about... My friend is sleeping with my ex-fiance.
And I'm not cool with that.
Hey hey hey. I did something silly because I was bored and didn't want to do the things I was supposed to do. So, here y'all are!
A4-printable outlines of some pictures that I've uploaded here that I kinda liked!
Surprise! - sta.sh/015vdv5mysvv
Team Andrew - sta.sh/025jwhojnfur
s0s2 - sta.sh/01zkvtg5g0yf
Van and Turtle - sta.sh/08yusxvb7cn
Tribute to Awesome - sta.sh/01o3a5p089ce
Print these off (or not) and colour 'em in any way you want. Paint them, use crayons, whatever! Just as long as you remember that by using these outlines, you agree to credit me when uploading them to any website.
Have fun, I guess?
Got a job. Might be able to afford internet in the future, but reduces time for drawing. Depression sucks, slowly improving condition.
Still taking requests, but do not expect quick results due to lack of internet. Pony requests are no longer free, commission details found in the Gifts and Commissions gallery folder.
You're still awesome. Keep that up.
Earlier today I asked what you immediately assoicate with red. Every single comment so far has been different, and frankly it doesn't surprise me. The colour red is one of the most versatile colours I can think of, which is why it is my favourite colour.
When I think of red, I think of passion. And passion itself can be versatile too - you could be passionate about a topic, or a person, or an activity, and passion can go from one extreme to the next. If you're truly passionate about something, you can feel love and hate at the same time.
Passion can make you do some interesting things. Some things that make you and everyone else around you happy... and other things that you will probably regret for the rest of your life.
What's your passion?
SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT. But I'll keep this short and sweet.
First off, my brother got married yesterday. Which was awesome, I've never seen two people so happy to be together in my life. My best wishes go out to the newly wed Mr and Mrs. Page.
I've also moved into my new place! The main thing I need to tell you about this place is that it does not have internet connectivity, and due to my financial situation I will not have one for some time. So, if I am going to get online, I'll be doing so rarely at my parents. If anyone wants to contact me or ask for requests or anything of the sort, you still can but I'll be slow to respond.
In the mean time, everyone be happy and I'll speak to you later!
- Watching: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya
- Playing: Bomberman 2
- Eating: Wedding Party Food
Well the only thing I could think of to replace that last journal was this. For a bit of fun... I've started a pony ask blog that I'll only update every now and then, whenever I have access to the internet.
In fact, as I'll be moving into a place that has no internet, and I can't afford to pay for it yet, my uploads and updates will be few and far between. BUT, this doesn't mean I'll stop any time soon. The plan is, once a week I'll find a way to upload anything new I've played with.
So yeah. If you like pony stuff, check out the link above, and as far as updates go, keep an eye out once a week.
When it gets late at night, my inhibitions slowly melt away and I feel more open to the world. At the same time, I happen to be on the internet and sadly, this can result in long rants on social media and instant messaging services. Tonight, the honour of being used for sleep deprived ranting goes to deviantART, and all my watchers. Oh, how lucky you truly are. You are in for a treat.
So, let's start at the beginning - Essentially, I'm being evicted from my flat. Not by my landlord, but by a series of extenuating circumstances. You see, way back when I lost the home I had with my ex, I ended up crashing with my parents, which did not go well. I eventually found a job and moved in with my brother, his fiancé, and her brother. I would have done this sooner, had there been room. However, they themselves had just lost a house mate (her brother broke up with his girlfriend and moved out), which meant either I moved in or one of his loud white trash mates moved in. So naturally I took (what I later learned existed after living there for a while) the bullet and moved in.
Now there were pros and cons to this. A pro was that I didn't have to live with my parents any more - they can afford to live properly again and neither of us had to put up with each others crap. Unfortunately, that's the only pro. Cons included (and are not exclusive to) there being no spare bedroom available for me, being only allowed to move in as a licencee (meaning no say in any decisions regarding tenancy agreements), being expected to pay the same housekeeping and rent as everyone while having less of what it pays for, living with a lovey-dovey couple who from the outside looks like an adorable train wreck waiting to happen (because I swear if I have to hear about how amazing their sex life is there will be a train wreck and I will be the cause), people wandering in who I do not know (and when I think I do, new faces show up), incredibly loud music being played at almost all hours of the night, and learning to live with a drug addict.
The room I ended up living in for so many months used to be the room the freezer and dryer lived. It was also filled with power tools and other DIY equipment. I had to empty it and sleep on the floor on my first night. Thankfully, my bro and his fiancé helped out and provided bedding - her nan even donated her fold out bed and her mum donated a mattress for the cause. I remain truly thankful. However, even with a fresh lick of paint, the tiny utility room was not built to be a bedroom, and it felt like a prison after the first two months.
I also lost that job I talked about earlier two weeks after I moved. It was an awkward, dodgy job anyway. I'd rather have my ethics intact, thank you. The hunt for more work continues to this day, and every knock back I hit only makes me feel worse. Slowly my mind is falling into a dark place and I grow fearful as to where it goes. Sadly, my descent into self-diagnosed insanity was not assisted by my living conditions, mainly due to the fact that my 19-year-old soon-to-be brother-in-law and his gang of uneducated loud monkeys decided to smoke enough marijuana to get the entire street high just by the smell of it. And boy, did the police smell it.
The raid was not enjoyable to watch. Nor was my brother's fiancé's breakdown, which went into full swing as her kid brother was pushed to the wall of our hallway as the copper searched him for more weed. "Thankfully", everyone got off with a warning - I would have preferred an arrest warrant. It was traumatising to watch my future sister-in-law become a puddle of blubbering wails as her nonchalant ignorant ass hole of a brother just shrugs off the incident. Hell, he still smokes the stuff in his room (as much as his sister denies to accept that). Luckily for her, she doesn't know about the ketamine that his mates bring in to snort... But all of this happened a long time ago. Let me get to the point.
My brother and his fiancé, having explained that this living arrangement was not good for her mental health, nor the health of their bank accounts of the local council, were given a new place to live by a housing association. Great news! They were shown a lovely top-floor flat, two decent sized bedrooms and a on-suite kitchen to their living room. A prefect first time marital home. But, they can't move in unless they end the contract in this flat. Normally, I'd be the first to get the hell out of this hell hole, but... Well, I have nowhere else to go. It's either here, or some place surrounded with people who are ten times worse than the little shit I live with now. And, as a licencee, I get no say in what happens to the tenancy. So, it was a vote between the three remaining tenants. And they all agreed to end the contract... Leaving me and Mr. Little Shit without a place to go.
But wait, Mr. Little Shit gets to move in with my brother and his fiancé in their nice flat while he looks for a place to stay! Well isn't that a fucking laugh. And the stupid thing is that he's already found somewhere to live. He just needs to find the deposit and he's all set (a deposit which no doubt will find its way into the pocket of the local green dealer rather than the landlord). Whereas I have yet to find anywhere, and that's not the part of the sheer stupidity of this decision I hate the most. It was explained to the council that this kid was one of the main causes of discomfort and inability to live in the current housing. I would imagine it was one of the deciding factors in the council's decision to put them on the housing list in the first place. So why let him move in? Their life is only going to get worse.
I've got until the 20th to move out. Don't worry, I've gotten in contact with a potential place to stay, but I just need to wait for confirmation that I can have the room. For some reason they're funny about guys under 25 years old moving in... I can only wait now.
I've packed everything that needs to be packed. Wherever I go, the chances are high that I won't have internet there, so there is a chance that I will be on an indefinite hiatus from dA, PoL, as well as any/all social networks and instant messaging services. I'm sure you're all used to me not updating or uploading anything for days on end, so you'll be fine. Just be nice to each other and remember to feed Doug. I'll be back when life finally throws me a fucking bone.
Ta ta for now,
Please please please go speak to HiSS-Graphics. Give her your money. She will give you awesomeness in return. Need proof?
All money she gets goes towards getting her and johnnywhoa together. So not only do you get awesome drawings, but you help the progress of young love.
Off you go then! For your convenience, here's her journal entry for commissions.
- Watching: London Olympics
- Drinking: Earl Gray
I usually don't care about stuff like this, but...
Ukraine lost out on a bronze medal because Japan can't land straight without complaining about it to judges. I thought they're all about honour? Sadly the only video related to this that I could find is full of Chinese awesomeness, and is very short and straight to the point.
Either way, the UK got their first Gymnastics medal in 100 years. It would have been Silver, but Bronze is always good. Even though it really should have gone to Ukraine.
Am I upset for Britain? No, we did bloody well to get that Bronze. I'm more upset for Ukraine.
- Listening to: Substitute - Gunnarolla
- Watching: London Olympics
-You must post these rules.
-Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post, and create ten new questions for the people you tag to answer.
-You have to choose 10 people to tag and post their icons on your journal. NO THIS ENDS HERE
-Go to their pages and tell them you have tagged her/him. LOL NO
-No tag backs.
-No crap in the tagging section about "you are tagged if you're reading this." You legitimately have to tag 10 people. BITCH WHAT DID I JUST SAY
1. Cold, sweet tea or hot, nasty ass tea?
A good old hot cup of Earl Gray. Two sugars, and milk. What's this bullcrap about "hot nasty" tea? Pansy.
2. What do you do with a drunken sailor?
Depends what time it was.
3. What do you spy, with your little eye? Something that is green?
A bouquet of flowers I got for Craig and Polly (my brother and his fiancé), as thanks for helping me through my depression. The flowers are dead now.
4. Have you ever been to a convention?
Nope. Would love to though.
5. Do you have a car/truck/bike? What kind?
None of the above. My feet work fine, thanks.
6. Do real men wear pink, or is that just an excuse for wussies to wear wussy colors? (It's the latter)
Real men wear pink and enjoy My Little Pony, because real men stand up for what they like regardless of everyone else's opinion.
7. What's your ideal vacation spot?
Wales, in a huge cottage, with a grand piano.
8. Would you buy a house on the moon if it had internet?
No, because air.
9. I'm making a comic. How many pages should I make before I start releasing it?
10. HERE COMES A NEW CHALLENGER! WHO IS IT?
IT'S MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS.
OH WAIT I HAVE NO QUESTIONS because I'm not tagging anyone.
- Listening to: Russian Dancing Men - Weebl
- Drinking: Coca-Cola
Twenty-three years ago, I joined a tough race on a circular track in space. I shared the vehicle (a giant ball of mass, covered mainly in water, with an engine of pure molten magma in the core) with, what was at the time, roughly 7 billion other people, and we raced around the sun. Since then, another billion people joined the human race and, for those who were still racing, the circuit proved to be dull and repetitive causing minds to wander to other ideas and novel things to do while hurtling around space at billions of miles an hour. Many, at a young age, stared into the sky at the raceway, and thought of what they would become.
I was one of them. I wanted to be so many things all at once. I wanted to be a fireman, an author, a musician, and a games designer all at once. But, as the years went by and as the race continued, my thoughts drifted from writing stories of heroism and composing theme songs for game characters. Instead, I concentrated on the race, and how I was to survive it.
I was losing positions quickly. Others sped past me one by one, and people who I thought would never overtake me in the race to be a successful human being became a blur for a split second and then a dot in the distance. I had been concentrating on running this track so hard that I had forgotten why I was running in the first place.
But recently, I remebered something.
Like most in my country and age group, I first heard of Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie when they appeared in the classic comedy Blackadder. And, by god was it brilliant. Not only was Rowan Atkinson a genius as Blackadder himself, the series itself would never have had such a successful third and fourth series if it wasn't for Fry and Laurie. And I fell in love with their comedy, and since I have always tried to keep a close eye on their work. Having said that though, much like Fry, it was hard to do what you loved due to depression. Of course, I don't think I had it as bad as Fry, who suffered from manic depression. So, I haven't really had a chance to learn a lot about my heroes.
But watching this documentary has helped me realise some of my dreams, and even opened up new opportunities that I could tap into.
I'd love to be able to have the knowledge and wit of Stephen Fry, and I would kill for the musical abilities and calm confidence of Hugh Laurie. I want, at some point, to emulate the greatness that is Fry and Laurie. But, I like to think I have one up on the duo... I can kind of draw.
I think I realise I have a dream again. I want to combine everything I know, everything that I love about Fry and Laurie, with my art and comics. So, maybe when I get back into the human race, I might finish at a better position I left off.
PS: Oh yeah, I might be homeless again at some point in the future.
- Listening to: Mystery - Hugh Laurie
- Drinking: Coca-Cola